sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize