I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The Olympian is in my bed
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
