Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
