just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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