I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
