I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
