FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
