The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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