Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Randomize
