Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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