I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize