I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we should paint friendship bongs
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
