There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
