So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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