don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i wish my penis had a tongue
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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