Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
