Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
