Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
