I look better un-naked...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
