apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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