so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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