So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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