Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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