I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
