Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
