Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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