Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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