I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
