I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
