so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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