I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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