I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
