u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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