woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
