Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My vagina is very pro this idea
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
