Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
