i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just googled if crying burns calories
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
