I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
wow bdsm is so cute
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We smell like vodka and hangover
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