I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.