Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program