I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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