do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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