everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
