Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
