you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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