Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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