It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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