I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We left an ass print on the piano.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
