i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
