i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
