the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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