oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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