so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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