I can text with my tongue
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
