rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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