I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
