Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
