Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
