Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
