My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
