Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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