So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
