3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
