PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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