Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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